


Five Dangerous Things

by LtLJ



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Team, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-07
Updated: 2008-04-07
Packaged: 2017-10-02 20:29:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtLJ/pseuds/LtLJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The five most dangerous places the team has visited.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Dangerous Things

1) **Fauna**

  
When the jumper shot through the orbital gate, John's first thought was that the planet was beautiful. It had a ring, a big broad band of rocky debris, glowing white in the light of the distant sun. "Nice," John said. Flying a spaceship over a planet's ring was one of the big things he had never expected to do, and even after more than two years in Atlantis, the novelty had never palled.

Ronon commented, "Rings are supposed to be good luck."

"Well, this one isn't lucky for us," Rodney said, frowning as he studied the HUD. "It's a water planet. We've already got one of those."

Teyla lifted a brow at him. "Let us give the planet a few more minutes before we decide the mission is over."

"There's something funny about the water." John took them down through the atmosphere until they were flying across the night-side, over a limitless dark blue ocean that was lightly tinged with whirls and spirals of purple, glowing under the star-filled sky. "This is different," he said.

"The color of the sea..." Teyla stood to better see out the viewport. "I have never seen anything like it."

"Probably some kind of plankton." Rodney sounded reluctantly impressed. "The marine biology team is going to see this and go crazy."

He was right about that. Biting his lip in thought, John squinted at the HUD while the jumper scanned for small land masses. "If we could find an island, it would be easier to research. Otherwise we're going to have to bring a barge in piece by piece."

"Surely there must be some land," Teyla added. "Or we could--"

"What's that?" Ronon said, leaning forward and frowning.

"What's what?" John said. As last words, they would have been crappy.

Ronon pointed. "Something moved under the--"

A giant white sucker slammed up against the jumper's nose, filling the entire viewport. It was attached to a tentacle that looked, from where John was sitting, roughly the circumference of the Empire State Building.

Everybody screamed, in chorus. John, Teyla, Rodney. Ronon screamed too, but in a really deep voice. Even the jumper screamed, via a belated proximity alarm that it had never bothered to use before. John flung the jumper into a wild roll, righted it, twisted sideways to avoid another giant tentacle, then gunned it straight up.

They broke through the last layers of the atmosphere and into space. John put them on a leisurely course for the stargate. He was a little light-headed and felt he needed a minute before he took them back through. The jumper seemed to agree.

Rodney made a strangled noise. Ronon, gripping the back of the shotgun seat, sucked in a breath. Teyla said, thickly, "How high were we above the water?"

John had to clear his throat. "Two kilometers."

Rodney made another strangled noise, a little higher-pitched this time. Ronon muttered, "Whoa."

"So," John said. "Mission over?"

"Yes." Teyla nodded. "Yes, I think so."

2) **A Meet and Greet**

  
The first contact with the Leosians was going very well, Teyla thought. They were open, friendly people, eager to talk to new visitors and very welcoming. She thought that right up until Markeos took her down the hall to show her the entrances to the tunnels where his people hid from the Wraith. "These are very well made," she said politely, though privately she felt that unless the tunnels had other exits, they were a potential deathtrap.

Markeos said, "It is the custom of my people to drink the blood of our guests."

_I heard that wrong,_ Teyla thought, and turned to him. "Did you say--"

"Blood is the life," Markeos said, and smiled. His teeth were sharply pointed. Apparently he was serious. He grabbed at her shoulders, and Teyla punched him in the face, very hard.

Markeos bounced off the stone wall and collapsed. "This has been a waste of time," Teyla snarled, stepping over him. "Irrational, idiotic--" They had many worlds to visit, to warn about the war between the Wraith and the replicators, and it infuriated her to have their time wasted in this senseless manner. "If you have injured my teammates I will come back and drink _your_ blood, you...you freak!"

When she reached the banquet room where the others had been waiting, John was standing on the table, aiming his P-90 at the Leosians, who were huddled fearfully in doorways and corners, except for the few who were sprawled unconscious on the floor. John looked just as angry and disgusted as Teyla felt.

"That bastard tried to bite me!" Rodney shouted.

"These teeth aren't even real." Ronon prodded one of the fallen Leosians, sounding disgruntled. "They're plastic or something. That's stupid."

John said, "Ronon, for god's sake, get away from his mouth. You don't know where it's been." He saw her and asked, "You okay?"

"Yes. I take it we are leaving?" Teyla said grimly.

"Like the wind." Rodney shouldered his pack and stamped toward the door. "I need massive doses of antibiotics, now!"

"He didn't even get a tooth on you, Rodney." John jumped down from the table.

"Oh, please, he--" Rodney stopped.

Markeos, his nose bleeding, blocked the doorway, surrounded by more Leosians. They all bore sharp implements, swords and pikes, and some of them carried chains. Markeos said, "No one has ever escaped us. We will take your blood, as we have all the others, and--"

"You have got to be kidding me," John said. Then he shot Markeos in the foot. Markeos screamed and fell down. The other Leosians scattered.

They had to fight their way through a few braver and more determined Leosians on the way out of the fortress. As they left the stone gate, Teyla's jaw was so tight it hurt. These people were obviously not used to encountering armed resistance. The traders they were used to trapping would have few weapons, and be easy prey.

She looked back to see a few persistent combatants following them. Markeos had recovered enough to limp rapidly in the lead. Teyla rolled her eyes, exasperated.

"Vampires. Who the hell saw that one coming?" John said, as they started down the hill toward the stargate.

"Why not?" Rodney snarled, disgusted. "This galaxy has alien vampires, why not the good old human variety too?"

"You have these creatures on Earth?" Teyla asked, appalled and incredulous.

John nodded. "Yeah."

Rodney stared at him. "No, no, there are not real vampires on Earth. What's wrong with you?"

"Well, no, but--" John turned to Markeos, still limping after him, and the other Leosians. "Look, you freak, seriously, if you don't leave us alone, I'm going to drive a stake through your heart."

Markeos stopped, staring. "What?"

John said, "It's the custom of my people to stab your people in the heart with a wooden stake. And if you don't back the hell off right now, I'm starting with you. Got it?"

"I'll get some sticks," Ronon said, drawing his long knife and thoughtfully eyeing the nearest tree. "How long?"

The Leosians ran, Markeos limping after them as fast as he could.

Ronon snorted in amusement, and they continued toward the stargate.

"Stakes?" Teyla said dryly, giving John a skeptical look.

"Hey, I'm not making it up," he told her. "When we get back, I'll show you a vampire movie."

"You will not." Teyla had no intention of budging on this point. "It is my turn to choose the movie and I wish to see _Steel Magnolias_ again."

"Oh, god," Rodney muttered. "Now my day is complete."

3) **Geography**

  
Ronon wasn't sure if he was walking in the right direction. The clouds of choking smoke obscured everything more than an arm's length away, and he was navigating the rocky ground by the memory of his brief glimpse of it before the entire valley had burst into flame. He had cut his jacket into two pieces to wrap around his feet, as extra protection for his boots. It had sort of worked. The leather was smoldering, but not actually on fire yet. He had used his shirt to make a mask to breathe through, the thin cotton filtering out some of the soot in the air. He had to walk at an even pace, because running just made the ground catch on fire faster, and falling down would be brutal. His hair was singed, the skin on his arms felt tender, and his throat hurt a lot, from inhaling hot air. But he knew he was lucky.

He had lost his radio when the explosion had flung him off the hillside, so he had no idea if the others were okay. They had been behind him, still up on the stargate's giant stone platform, so he thought their chances were good. If they weren't okay, he had no idea how he would find them in this smoke.

Apparently that stone platform was so big because it was the only place safe to stand on in the whole valley, possibly the planet. Ground that exploded and caught fire when you stepped on it; Ronon sure hadn't seen that one coming, and he didn't expect anyone else had either.

Then ahead he heard voices raised in argument, familiar voices, familiar argument. Relieved, he tried to call out to them, but his sore throat just managed a low gargle. _That figures,_ he thought, sourly resigned to this lousy day.

Still trying to clear his throat, he corrected his course, using the voices to guide him up the rocky, searingly hot hillside. As he trudged upward, he got the gist of the argument, something about the life-signs detectors not working with all the interference, Zelenka modifying a jumper so its drive field didn't set off more explosions, waiting for special heat-resistant suits and breathing equipment, and how Sheppard and Teyla were getting ready to go into the smoke without them, and how that was crazy, and how the whole place was ready to blow up. Apparently the situation was even worse than it looked like from Ronon's end, which was saying something.

He found the steps by stumbling on them. They were ordinary stone, cool to the touch, and Ronon climbed them in weary relief. Then he emerged out of the smoke to see the stargate with the blue pool of the wormhole open inside it. Gathered near it were Sheppard, Teyla, McKay, and some science team people he remembered from the last time they had gone to a planet with a geologic disaster, Dr. Keller and a couple of the emergency medical team people, and a dozen Marines. Everybody was messing with equipment, or climbing into the heavy silver protective suits. It was nice to belong somewhere where people gave a damn when you accidentally walked into a valley where everything you touched burst into flame. Ronon pulled the shirt down off his mouth, and managed to croak, "Hey."

"Ronon!" Teyla shouted in relief. She was echoed by half a dozen others.

Sheppard stared at him, incredulous and shocked, and Ronon knew that the explosion must have looked even worse than it felt, that Sheppard hadn't expected to see him alive, or at least not alive and with most of his skin still intact. Ronon started toward him, but his makeshift foot protection caught on the edge of a stone block and he started to fall.

Sheppard surged forward and caught him. Ronon, knowing that Sheppard's skinny body was all muscle, just relaxed and let Sheppard hold him up. "Ronon, god damn it," Sheppard said, his voice thick, shaking the way it did when he was fighting back strong emotion. "We thought--" Sheppard clamped his jaw shut.

Sheppard had thought Ronon was dead, but he had still meant to search the burning valley for him. You couldn't ask for more than that. Ronon said, "Ow," which was all he could manage.

4) **Weather**

  
John hadn't been in a hurricane for years, and never one this strong. "What do you think, category ten, fifteen?" he had shouted to Rodney, as they struggled up the hill toward the crumbling Ancient ruin.

"Ha ha," Rodney had shouted back.

Yeah, it had been funny then. But the wind had grown stronger and stronger, rising to a level that might actually be category ten, the water reaching up to rip away dirt and finally the edges of the ruin.

They had taken shelter in an intact room, the furthest back from the water, crouched against the back wall. There was a passage that went further in, but it had mostly collapsed and looked badly unstable.

The wind had grown too loud for them to hear each other, to hear anything but the roar of it. But John felt the tremble through the stone floor, the sharp jolts that meant chunks of stone breaking away. Ronon was nearest the doorway, and crawled toward it for a cautious look through.

Ronon jerked back, turning to point emphatically further into the ruin. _Crap,_ John thought. He shoved to his feet, dragged Rodney up. Rodney protested, his words lost to the din, and tried to mime a collapsing ceiling. John just pointed, and caught Teyla's arm as she staggered to her feet.

Climbing over fallen beams and up a slope of rubble, into a corridor that turned into just a narrow slot through the rock. John kept them moving, until there wasn't anywhere to move to, and they huddled into the narrow space. As darkness fell, the wind seemed to rise even more, blotting out sound, sight, consciousness...

  
***

  
John woke with no idea where he was. His head ached and he felt like somebody had beat him with a heavy stick. _Hurricane, right,_ he thought. _Ow._ He was crammed in on top of two warm bodies, with another warm body on top of him, his clothes were wet, and something was covering his head. He pulled it aside, realizing it was Ronon's coat. He blinked at warm sunlight and blue sky, fresh salty air, and then thought, _Hold it. The ruin had a roof._

Rodney and Teyla were still breathing deeply in exhausted sleep. John managed to ease Ronon off him and get an arm free to lever himself upright. Then he said, "Holy crap."

The water, now crystal blue and laden with plant debris, lapped the rock about ten feet away. The rest of the ruin, the hills, the cliff, the beach, was gone.

Ronon sat up abruptly, pulling his coat off his head. He took in the scene, then turned back to John. "Lucky," he said.

5) **Atlantis**

  
They were in one of the small lounges off the living quarters corridor, the one with the good view of the city. John was lying on the couch, listening to the usual argument, as Teyla sorted through the DVDs.

Teyla pulled out a DVD. "_Steel Magnolias_."

John sighed. He had seen that one coming.

Rodney flung his hands in the air. "No, I beg you, no, not again."

"We have seen it many times," Teyla admitted graciously. She picked out another. "_The Color Purple_."

Unexpected success had made Rodney giddy, and now he was on a roll. "The last time we watched that one you said you hated men, and then you wanted to spar with Ronon and gave him a black eye, and we all agreed that--"

John didn't think Rodney was helping their case any, but he had no intention of drawing Teyla's attention to himself by saying anything. He had to spar with her too. Ronon, apparently feeling the same way, stared at the ceiling as if there was something up there he had never seen before.

"I do not remember it quite that way." Teyla eyed Rodney, then deliberately turned back to the box. "Nevertheless, there are other choices. _Fried Green Tomatoes at the--_"

Rodney folded his arms. "Oh, come on!"

"I like that one," Ronon said. "That part where they eat that guy--"

"That was pretty cool," John admitted.

"They did not eat that guy, and that is not the point of the movie--" Teyla began.

"I think they ate that guy," John said.

"The point is," Rodney said, loudly, "we've seen the damn thing over and over again."

Teyla sat back, glaring at him. "If no one else will make a suggestion--"

Ronon said immediately, "_The Two Towers._"

John had seen that one coming, too. Ronon had a man-crush on Aragorn like nobody's business.

"It's four hours long," Rodney protested.

"We can skip to the battle," Ronon offered.

Teyla sighed. "No, if we are going to watch a movie, we will watch the whole thing."

John saw his moment. He said, "_Wormhole Extreme: Voyage to Avalon_."

There was silence. He pointed out, "We might as well get it over with. At least when the SGC gives us crap about it, we'll know what the hell they're talking about."

Teyla nodded, resigned, and Rodney groaned. He said, "It's payback, isn't it? They gave the production company the idea for this version. Bastards."

John had to admit that in hindsight, screening the original _Wormhole Extreme_ for the whole expedition and filming their comments and reactions, then sending it to the SGC labeled "documentary video" did make it seem like they had asked for this. "Probably."

Rodney reluctantly picked up the case, reading the back blurb aloud, "'A band of intrepid adventurers journey to another galaxy blah, blah, blah...with their wise-cracking robot companion?' What?"

Ronon lifted a derisive brow. "There was a wise-cracking robot?"

"Bates beat it to death with a rock on the first day. We don't talk about it," John told him, deadpan.

Ronon poked John in the ribs. Teyla took the case away from Rodney and stared at it. "That person who is supposed to be me is wearing a metal bra and panties," she said thoughtfully. "That is...disgusting. Also cold and surely uncomfortable."

John leaned forward to look. The guy playing him was short, beefy, and blond, but appeared to be fully dressed, so he had one up on Teyla. John didn't expect to come off well in it, considering how General O'Neill's _Wormhole Extreme_ character had turned out, but he thought once they all got over the shock it would probably be hilarious.

"Wait a minute." Rodney snatched the case. "Where am I? Where's the heroic and intrepid astrophysicist?"

Teyla was looking through the glossy insert. "There is a Dr. Zharek, but he is Russian, and not part of the offworld team. Maybe he is based on Dr. Zelenka?"

"They made Zelenka a Russian? He's going to love that," Rodney muttered. "I can't figure out-- The guy with the fur who comes in at the end must be Ronon--"

"Why do I have fur?" Ronon demanded.

Reading the episode descriptions, John snorted. "I don't know, why do I go on all these missions with a funny robot..." He trailed off, as the obvious occurred to him. "Oh." He looked at Teyla, watched her leap to the same conclusion. She bit her lip, suppressing laughter. John started to grin.

"What?" Rodney stared at him, then Teyla. "Oh, for the--" He shouted, "You have got to be kidding! I'm the robot?"

"This I've got to see," Ronon said, and put the disk in the player.

  
**end**


End file.
